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The Neon News

September 18, 2005

Hey Fanz!

Why don't we do it in the park!

It's time once again for the Harbord Village Residents' Association annual street fair, which isn't actually held in the street, but in the park at the corner of Brunswick and Ulster!

There'll be fun for young and old, with face painting and burgers and beer and music from noon by lots of local bands and it's free!

As usual, the closing set will be by Gordon's Acoustic Living Room, aka The Artists Formerly Known As Mr. Froggie & the Wormgear (The Band Bigger Than Lighthouse)!

As Uncle Dean sez: "We go on last, 'round 5pm, to ensure the die-hards are driven out of the park at a reasonable hour."

The fair is on Sunday, September 18.

Hey, we're cutting it a little close here! That's today! Get over here now!

More burgers - more democracy!

The Fair Vote Canada Toronto Chapter will hold its annual fundraising BBQ at

82 Hammersmith Avenue (in the picturesque Beach area)
on Saturday, September 24 from 1-4 p.m.

Suggested donation $20.

Music by The Single Non-Transferable Orchestra

The Single Non-Transferable Orchestra, in defiance of the pressure tactics of the revisionist quislings, continues to be named after the world's least popular voting system, the Single Non-Transferable Vote, recently rejected in Japan and now used only in the Kingdom of Jordan, where it admirably serves the purposes of an absolute monarch in keeping the people from getting too uppity.

What is this man gibbering about?

It doesn't matter, but we need a new voting system in Canada, and that's no joke! Come to the BBQ!

Any resemblance between the Single Non-Transferable Orchestra and Gordon's Acoustic Living Room is purely transcendental.

Bagpipes bumped!

Fresh from their recent triumph at the HVRA street fair, and still groggy from the Fair Vote Canada BBQ,
Gordon's Acoustic Living Room
will make their regular monthly appearance at

The Free Times Café
320 College Street
two blocks west of Spadina

on Sunday, September 25, from 8-11 p.m.

No cover!

Get there early, it's always crowded.

Coming up soon!

Patio Dave & the Lanterns at the Port Dover Yacht Club, October 15.

Axes of Evil debut CD
Only Axe You Once
goes into final mixdown mode this week!


The return of the Wee Stinky Band!

After extensive venue confusion, the fragrant ones will be appearing at the Last Class Bar & Grill on the campus of Georgian College in Barrie on Saturday, December 17.

The Wee Stinky Band at a college pub? Sounds like a recipe for debauchery! Don't miss it!

Wayne Neon

And in other news . . .

Sounds like justice!

Join AIDWYC Wednesday, September 21 for its third Sounds Like Justice fundraising event featuring VIP reception, silent auction and concert. The VIP reception will be hosted by Jian Ghomeshi and attended by a guest list of AIDWYC's wrongly convicted clients, leading Canadian criminal law lawyers, and many other influential supporters.

The concert will be hosted by Krista Sutton (Train 48, Vagina Monologues) and Jowi Taylor (CBC Radio/Global Village) with numerous musical guests including, Tom Wilson and Bob Lanois, Andy Stochansky, Danny Michel, Shaye, Justin Rutledge, Nine Mile, Andy Kim, Blair Packham, Russell Decarle, Kevin Fox, Les Cooper, and Rahi High.

Tickets are $25 for the silent auction/concert or $150 for the silent auction/concert + VIP reception (or a block of 10 VIP tickets for $1,250).

AIDWYC is a good pro bono (volunteer) group which has helped free a number of innocent people, starting with Guy Paul Morin.

Contact AIDWYC directly for tickets by emailing win@aidwyc.org or order online at Maple Music.

We get letters . . .

Subject: An Open Letter from Michael Moore to George Bush

Friday, September 2nd, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush:

Any idea where all our helicopters are? It's Day 5 of Hurricane Katrina and thousands remain stranded in New Orleans and need to be airlifted. Where on earth could you have misplaced all our military choppers? Do you need help finding them? I once lost my car in a Sears parking lot. Man, was that a drag.

Also, any idea where all our national guard soldiers are? We could really use them right now for the type of thing they signed up to do like helping with national disasters. How come they weren't there to begin with?

Last Thursday I was in south Florida and sat outside while the eye of Hurricane Katrina passed over my head. It was only a Category 1 then but it was pretty nasty. Eleven people died and, as of today, there were still homes without power. That night the weatherman said this storm was on its way to New Orleans. That was Thursday! Did anybody tell you? I know you didn't want to interrupt your vacation and I know how you don't like to get bad news. Plus, you had fundraisers to go to and mothers of dead soldiers to ignore and smear. You sure showed her!

I especially like how, the day after the hurricane, instead of flying to Louisiana, you flew to San Diego to party with your business peeps. Don't let people criticize you for this -- after all, the hurricane was over and what the heck could you do, put your finger in the dike?

And don't listen to those who, in the coming days, will reveal how you specifically reduced the Army Corps of Engineers' budget for New Orleans this summer for the third year in a row. You just tell them that even if you hadn't cut the money to fix those levees, there weren't going to be any Army engineers to fix them anyway because you had a much more important construction job for them -- BUILDING DEMOCRACY IN IRAQ!

On Day 3, when you finally left your vacation home, I have to say I was moved by how you had your Air Force One pilot descend from the clouds as you flew over New Orleans so you could catch a quick look of the disaster. Hey, I know you couldn't stop and grab a bullhorn and stand on some rubble and act like a commander in chief. Been there done that.

There will be those who will try to politicize this tragedy and try to use it against you. Just have your people keep pointing that out. Respond to nothing. Even those pesky scientists who predicted this would happen because the water in the Gulf of Mexico is getting hotter and hotter making a storm like this inevitable. Ignore them and all their global warming Chicken Littles. There is nothing unusual about a hurricane that was so wide it would be like having one F-4 tornado that stretched from New York to Cleveland.

No, Mr. Bush, you just stay the course. It's not your fault that 30 percent of New Orleans lives in poverty or that tens of thousands had no transportation to get out of town. C'mon, they're black! I mean, it's not like this happened to Kennebunkport. Can you imagine leaving white people on their roofs for five days? Don't make me laugh! Race has nothing -- NOTHING -- to do with this!

You hang in there, Mr. Bush. Just try to find a few of our Army helicopters and send them there. Pretend the people of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast are near Tikrit.


Michael Moore

P.S. That annoying mother, Cindy Sheehan, is no longer at your ranch. She and dozens of other relatives of the Iraqi War dead are now driving across the country, stopping in many cities along the way. Maybe you can catch up with them before they get to DC on September 21st.

John Cleese's Letter to the USA

[OK, this probably isn't really from John Cleese, but it's funny!]

To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check "aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.

2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We'll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.

3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.

5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only one kind of football. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese
[Basil Fawlty, Fawlty Towers, Torquay, Devon, England]

No quislings were harmed in the creation of this newsletter.

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