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The Neon News

February 15, 2005

PORT DOVER - This sleepy, picturesque fishing port was rocked this week by the news that new regulations imposed by the local health department mean that the umpteenth annual Chili Blowout cannot be held this year at the Lighthouse Festival Theatre as usual.
Local slow cookers were devastated.  "We've got the pot, but no luck," said one, who refused to be named.
Fortunately, the local Beach House restaurant has stepped in and offered to host the fundraising event this year.  This is particularly good news since the Beach House is a four-time winner of the chili-cooking contest in the Business category.  Local catering darling Liz Campbell will be preparing a vegetarian chili, and there will be celebrity cooks as well.  It won't be fifty chilis, but it'll be a good feed, and just $8.99, with two bucks going to the theatre!
The event is still scheduled for Friday, February 18 at the Beach House, and YES! PATIO DAVE & THE LANTERNS WILL BE PLAYING!  It won't be the big stage at the Lighthouse, but room will be found for dancing.  "Minimal space so no cartwheels!" sez Patio Dave.
This correspondent can only shake his head in dismay at this latest unwarranted intrusion of the nanny state into the lives of the people.  Exactly how many chili-related deaths have there been over the last fifteen years?  That can be proven?

TORONTO - Fairly launched into their second year of monthly appearances at the Free Times Café, 320 College Street (just west of Spadina), Gordon's Acoustic Living Room continues its never-ending quest for fresh bread - er, tunes.  "If we don't have new ones to practice, we'll try to get some of the older ones right," insisted hirsute mandolinist Jonathan Rudin.   The group's next appearance at the Free Times will be on Sunday, February 20 at 8:00 p.m.

No word yet on whether the group really will be going to Scotland in July for the Gathering of the Clans, but the Earl of Caithness was said to be dazzled on his recent visit to the Free Times.  See why at
I hope to trade (or sell) my bass (Fender Squire) and practice amp.  Seems I am physically incapable of playing the bass...sad times.  Why?  Well, I'm double jointed.  Everything goes relatively well until I begin to work my way up the neck.  Then, my fingers lock up into disjointed claws, then later, without warning, the joints spontaneously pop and strings go flying everywhere.  It's really fun to watch but does no good in terms of playing.  The trade I'm hoping for is either a guitar (electric, preferrably but acoustic, happily) or a keyboard.  Or a new car, but that's probably hoping a bit much.  Contact: Shelley, shellyhonor@hotmail.com

I was wondering if you could help me out with a research project: I'm DESPERATELY seeking individuals who are between 18 and 40 years old who attended elementary and secondary schools with the Toronto District School Board and who dropped out or attended a downtown "inner city school" (i.e. Regent Park, Lord Dufferin, Parkdale, etc.).  The purpose of the study is to gain insight into students' classroom experiences. there are many studies that analyze policies and programs but few which include students' voices and their classroom experiences. - Contact: Azza, azzashark@yahoo.com
Wayne Neon

CONTEST!  CONTEST! (No prizes)
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's  winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,  unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Bush Phone 4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal  coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an  asshole.

Chili Blowout

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